dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
