I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize