Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
