I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
