We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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