So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
please come you make the beer taste better
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
