New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
