i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Drunk is not a location!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
