so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
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Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
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You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.