Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
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He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
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We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?