I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.