She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
