i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
