The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
