genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
