my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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