hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
