I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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