I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
