need another drink. this is the easiest way
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
