I'm gonna have a badass scar
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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