somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
