peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
