I am puke
they need to just BURY HIM!
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
