i don't like sucking hair
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Floor bacon is actually really good
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
