It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
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the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
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I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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