You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
