Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
