my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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