i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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