so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
