I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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