Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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