You're my little dorito
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
