I want to have your abortion
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
