Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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