You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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