Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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