Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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