I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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