If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
So much Jack, so little girl.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
