omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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