nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
