yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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