Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
