I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
There's always time for handjobs
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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