I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i already hear my dad disowning me
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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