So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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