Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
