Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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