Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
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