I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i wish my penis had a tongue
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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