I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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