I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
