let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
