You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
