Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
