we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
