OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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